


The Smartest Dumb Idea

by OphelieduLac



Series: We Don't Fight Fair [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Ace Lives, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Attempt at Humor, F/M, Gen, Pure and Stupid Crack, The world's most utilitarian OC, Written on a Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-05 23:12:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12199302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OphelieduLac/pseuds/OphelieduLac
Summary: Sabo's retrograde amnesia gets shattered a week before Ace's planned execution, and the Marines frantically ponder an ethical dilemma.





	The Smartest Dumb Idea

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to regret this one day. That day is not today. 
> 
> I promise you, I hate myself for this too. Next fic you'll get from me'll be respectable.
> 
> There's some stuff in here that's seems a little out-of-left-field. Blame the pseudo-dare/prompt. Sorry.

Rowing into a thickening smog along the Grand Line, the boat was only illuminated by a fading fire in the distance, and the quickly-disappearing sounds of screaming.

"Motherfucker." Was the word that ruptured the silence on board. The woman sitting toward the bow with one set of oars grumbled again, "Mother-fucking-fucker, Sabo."

Her comments barely seemed to disturb her companion, who appeared at first glance wholly entranced by the sea behind her, were it not for the fact that he was still rowing in tandem with her motions.

They continued moving silently at a considerable pace for another half hour.

"Mara--"

"Fuck, you know I'm not mad with you." Her voice softened the slightest bit, but she continued on, "I'm just frustrated because this wouldn't feel like a flailing last-ditch effort if you'd had the good grace to have your mental breakdown maybe, oh, a year ago?"

"It's not like I--"

“Chief, I'm being an asshole on purpose."

Silence again. Then, a quiet, vulnerable, "I can't believe I forgot."

"We'll get him back, Sabo. We will."

Mara didn't know what else to say, and Sabo didn't know what else to add. So they rowed on across the placid waters.

\--

Within five hours, they came into contact with the fleet.

'Contact' is a literal term. Mara had fallen asleep and Sabo was still mechanically rowing forward, mired in his memories, so when their little rowboat hit the _Moby Dick_ 's hull, the two were jolted awake and immediately scrambled on board the ship, leaving the rowboat for scrap.

The pirates on board didn't seem especially enthused by this entrance.

It was a blessing, really, that Jozu had previously met Mara and could vouch for her, because "We're Revolutionaries, here to help rescue our friend Ace!" sounded like one of the dumber alibis that potential spies could produce. Nor was it helped by the fact that Mara kept stomping on Sabo's foot like she was trying to stop him saying something even more ludicrous-sounding.

That did not prevent the other pirates from hauling them in front of the captain for good order's sake.

Whitebeard looked them up and down, unimpressed. "We don't need Revolutionary help."

"We don't represent the Revolution." Sabo stated, looking and feeling more alert than he had in hours. "We have a personal stake in saving m- our friend. The others don't know we're joining you for this."

Mara added, "Ace is our friend. If we thought we could do it, we'd break into Impel Down ourselves to get him. I'm willing to do whatever I need to get him off the scaffold." There was a strange glint in her eye, one that Sabo recognized as The Bad Glint. The Glint that meant everything was about to go 130% tits-up.The last time he saw that look, he ended up running from a buck-naked woman lobbing weaponised mutant lobsters at him while a small island nation overthrew its despotic ruler, Mara curbstomped a chicken-headed man, and a celebrated bakery burned down.

Devil Fruit powers were fucking weird.

Whitebeard seemed to consider this for a minute, before nodding his assent to their presence, grumbling something about uppity brats and loudly telling a man named Marco to keep an eye on them until the fleet got to Marineford.

Sabo gestured Mara over to a railing at the side of the main deck, a movement tracked by many eyes around them, and when he was positive that she was the only one directly able to hear him, he hissed, "What the fuck are you planning?"

"Hm?"

"You're planning something stupid, I know you are."

"You have a horrible opinion of me, Chief."

"I distinctly remember you saying the same thing on Qodla, right before you plunged us all into rebellion!"

“That was one time!"

"Ringland."

"A fluke."

"Landora."

"That one was on you." Her tone was unsettlingly jovial.

"Mara," Sabo's voice dropped lower, more dangerous, "This isn't some assignment, this is _Ace_ . I'm not fucking around with Ace's life, and I won't let _you_ , either!"

Mara reeled back, a little bit of shock visible in her eyes. "Sabo, I promise you, I'm not going to do anything to endanger Ace." The joviality that had pissed him off mere moments prior had dissipated and he was faced with The Glint again, though it no longer appeared as playful. "I have a plan. I have a plan to slow the Marines down, and it's predicated _entirely_ on the fact that I ran into him two months ago while on Durka III."

"...what?"

Her grin turned conspiratorial, and she leaned in to whisper in his ear.

—

They were not part of the advance guard. That one was Whitebeard not trusting them as much as he trusted others combined with the fact that neither of them appeared to have the sheer raw power of someone like Oars.

They were not part of the second wave. That one was sheer insubordination on their parts; the other pirates were NOT happy about it. They brushed it off. If they wanted Mara's stupid, harebrained (and she knew that it was ludicrous, oh boy did she ever) scheme to have a chance, they needed more chaos and a more favorable advance for the pirate fleet.

They had intended upon taking advantage of Whitebeard's third wave of advancing pirates to implement their plan, but there was one tiny flaw.

No one had factored in the Marine ship full of Impel Down escapees falling from the sky. Nor that Monkey D. Luffy, Sabo and Ace’s _other_ adopted brother, would be the one leading that charge.

In any other situation, Mara supposed that there would be (very manly, of course) tears being shed over such a touching reunion (currently, frantic hugging), but there was a war going on.

Luffy somehow pulled his shit together and proceeded to tell Whitebeard that, regarding One Piece, he could go fuck himself. That was when Mara lost it.

Grinning so hard that her face felt like it was going to split, she shoved a hand in front of Luffy, “Name’s Mara, I’m a friend of Ace and Sabo. Nice to finally fuckin’ meetcha.”

The kid shook her hand, and when he released it, she grinned hysterically at Sabo; the poor bastard blanched, knowing what she was about to do.

In an undertone, she muttered to Luffy, “When I finish yelling, I need you to start running to Ace. I’m gonna try and buy you some time.”

“Alright, got it!”

And with a deep breath, she bellowed across the battlefield at the top of her lungs, “ACE! I’M PREGNANT, AND YOU’RE THE FATHER!”

\--

Sabo’s partner was _insane_ . He was sure that somewhere in her upbringing she’d been clocked on the head a great number of times, because nothing else could explain her tendency to invent the _literal worst plans_. The success rate of these plans generally hovered somewhere around 40%.

He’d been expecting this to be among those. There was no way that this could work like she’d expect it to.

But the crazy part was, it did.

Luffy surprised them all by following orders and taking off running at the exact moment that her last syllable had entered the air, and the two Revolutionaries sprinted after him in hot pursuit, and Sabo could see the shock and terror on the faces of the Marines (and the Whitebeard Pirates and their allies, but that was secondary at this rate). The sound of their breathing and their shoes hitting ice seemed to be the only noises on the whole battlefield, because Mara’s prediction had been spot-on.

Absolutely _no one_ had expected that. Hell, Sabo hadn’t even been expecting it.

(A quick glance at the scaffold told him that Ace hadn’t either. They’d deal with that later.)

And, like she’d predicted, the Marines had divided themselves into three minds on this matter— it was written on their faces.

Group One: “I can’t hit a pregnant woman!”

Group Two: “Should I hit a pregnant woman, if she’s a criminal?”

Group Three: “I will definitely hit the pregnant woman carrying the grandchild of Gol D. Roger.”

Mara had been right. She had effectively frozen the Marines enough to speed up their sprint through the battlefield. So when she veered off from Luffy and Sabo to run a different route to Ace, she took the most vicious Marine heavy-hitters with her, easily opening up the two brothers’ path to the third.

Sabo knew she’d be fine. He trusted her to come back in one piece.  

From that point forward, getting to Ace became a cakewalk. Boa Hancock turned out to be a surprise ally and got them the key they needed, and with all the attention on Mara (who was, at last check, using her Echo-Echo Fruit powers to keep a Vice-Admiral at bay) and their allies (who assumed that Mara _really_ was pregnant with Ace’s child and were protecting her accordingly) fighting off the Admirals and the Shichibukai, the two brothers reunited with the third member of their triumvirate.

(Ace was, as it turned out, hyperventilating on the scaffold while watching Mara. If Sabo hadn’t been so relieved to see him, he might’ve laughed given everything he knew.)

Given how much attention that Mara had drawn, they probably could’ve sauntered out of there. But someone had to get her back.

Ace plunged into the battlefield, wiping out scores and scores of Marines with flames and unrestrained fury, Sabo and Luffy trying to keep up with him.

They found Ace trying to stand between her and the Admirals, in the middle of a heated declaration, “—and I’ll try to make you an honest woman and—“

“Ace, my dude, I’m not pregnant.”

If Sabo could’ve ever heard a record scratch in real life, it would’ve been then. The entire battlefield seemed to hear that statement (he still hadn’t figured out the logistics of that, honestly).

“What.”

“I lied to buy us time. I’m not pregnant at all.”

For the second time that day, Sabo could’ve heard a pin drop.

Ace was the first to start yelling. “I ALMOST HAD A CORONARY!”

Then, from back over the wall, a noise that sounded suspiciously like laughter— Whitebeard was laughing.

Vice Admiral Garp took this moment to faint.

The rescue party decided to book it the fuck out of Marineford at full throttle.

—

The fleet regrouped a fair distance from Marineford— Mara had spent the entire ride alternatively getting reamed out by Ace for terrifying him that badly, and angrily riposting that they _literally have not had sex in two years, so you should’ve understood the bullshit I was trying to pull, good grief, Ace, I just saved your fuckin’ life._

Whitebeard kept laughing at her, but there was a sincerity in his eyes when he thanked her for pulling that stunt. In fact, that ended up being the attitude of most of the pirates, and frankly, she was willing to take that. Sabo, Ace, and Luffy were reunited and inseparable, Ace was alive, all was well. And the party that night wasn’t bad. Ain’t no party like a Whitebeard Party, especially when you’re a guest of honour for pulling the _smartest_ _dumb shit ever_.

When she woke up the morning and untangled herself from familiar limbs, she realised she hadn’t ever gotten her wounds checked. The doctor’s room on the Moby was uncrowded, and she let the professionals examine her accordingly. She hadn’t thought she’d sustained any particularly life-threatening wounds, so when the nurse pursed her lips at some test results then walked out, Mara began to get suspicious.

The doctor entered, smiling, “That was some stunt you pulled yesterday.”

“Honestly, I was just grasping at straws on that one.”

“Really?”

“Well, I wanted to save my friend.” Mara shrugged. “I didn’t mind lying, honestly.”

“Well, it wasn’t a lie. You’re a month pregnant.”

Her brain whited out.

_Wrong brother._

**Author's Note:**

> I have been out of this fandom for seven years, and suddenly it dragged me back in by the front of my shirt and made me relive all the emotions I'd completely forgotten about. Including the fact that I'm still sobbing over the death of my fave. 
> 
> Consider my longstanding itch to write an OC 100% scratched. It will literally never happen again. 
> 
> This was written on something of a dare, so, let's see how this pans out.


End file.
